Sometimes sports are just sports, but sometimes they are so much more, offering glimpses into the essence of human achievement and suffering, forcing even the burliest of sports fans to look deep into their own souls.
This year’s Stanley Cup Final, which got underway Monday in Las Vegas, is one of those events. The competition presents questions which cut to our very core, questions we may never answer satisfactorily.
But we must try to get to the bottom of this year’s Stanley Cup race and find out what it means for us as a sports-loving species. Here’s what we need to learn.
• Question 1: What is going on here?
The Stanley Cup Finals began in… Las Vegas? Featuring a team that didn’t even exist a year ago? And these “Golden Knights” won Game 1? And they’re playing against the Washington Capitals? A team whose soul didn’t even exist a year ago?
Sorry for answering a question with five more questions, but this is one of the most baffling championship matchups in the history of sports. An expansion team against an Ovechkin team — two entities which before this season were the most inert things since argon, xenon and radon.
• Question 2: Seriously, can you name three players on the Las Vegas Golden Knights?
Marc-Andre Fleury! That’s one. And James Neal is there too, right? And Karlson? No, not that Karlson. Karlsson maybe? Or Karlsssson? And, um... Mike Peca? Hakan Loob? Wayne Newton?
• Question 3: Why do we do this to ourselves?
This is the question that all the fans of the many title-less, tough luck or downright terrible teams are asking themselves right now. The Vancouver Canucks. The Buffalo Bills. The Toronto Maple Leafs. The Cleveland Browns. The Vancouver Canucks. The Toronto Maple Leafs. The Detroit Lions. The Vancouver Canucks. There are 50-year-old fans for all of those teams who have devoted their entire lives to their beloved franchises without ever tasting a championship.
• Question 4: How is Las Vegas doing this?
There are age-old truisms that any sports radio talking head can pontificate on for hours on end, pausing only briefly to do a quick on-air read for Budget Brake & Muffler.
Chemistry matters. Continuity matters. Defence wins championships. Superstars win championships. Your best players have to be your best players in the playoffs. Get your brakes checked and tires rotated every six months.
To these truisms the Golden Knights say, FakeNews! Chemistry? They haven’t even learned all of each other’s names yet. Best players? Does Vegas have good players? Defence?
Nothing spectacular there behind the top pairing of Siegfried and Roy.
The only one truism the Golden Knights nail is the old ‘Ride a hot goaltender to the Cup’ theory. Also, their mufflers are pristine.
• Question 5: And the Washington Capitals are involved?
That’s right, the team that we’re relying on to maintain some semblance of order in the sports universe just happens to be the chokingest hockey team of recent memory. The Caps winning would be almost as incredible as the Golden Knights winning.
But this almost seems like destiny — losing a Stanley Cup Final against an expansion team would no doubt be the Capsiest way to lose a Stanley Cup Final.
Or maybe we should just forget this ever happened. You know what they say: what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
Andy Prest is a reporter for The Tri-City News’ sister publication
The North Shore News and writes a biweekly humour/lifestyle column.
