Skip to content

Ask Ellie: Son's grudges are tearing my family apart

You as grandparents, have the right to peace and decent family gatherings

Dear Ellie: My wife and I are in our 80s. We have two boys, both in their 50s. Both are married and each have one boy and one girl in their 20s, our grandchildren.

The older son is a psychologist, working with teenagers. His daughter moved out when she was 18. She didn’t speak to her parents for more than two years. She wrote on social media that her childhood was unhappy and her family was dysfunctional.

We never saw any of this. She was brought up in a loving and caring home. We all live in the same city and visited each other often. We never knew of any unhappiness in our family.

Her parents maintain that her uncle (my younger son) has influenced their daughter in a negative way. their daughter still has close contact with her uncle, his family, and us. Our sons haven’t spoken for more than two years now.

Now, almost five years after she moved out, our granddaughter wants to make peace with everyone. She always said that it was her decision as an adult to move out. But her father and mother have such ingrained bad feelings for my younger son and family that there is absolutely nothing we can do to change their minds towards reconciliation.

We know that her uncle never influenced or talked badly about her dad to her. Her parents are very hurt at the loss of their close relationship, and maybe jealous of his brother’s wife, because their daughter visits them.

We have a close relationship with both our boys. But we cannot understand why the older one and his wife are so stubborn. This puts a terrible strain on us, since we have to juggle visits, birthdays, holidays etc. between them. We’ve tried to reason with them in different ways. To no avail.

If you have any advice, I would appreciate it.

Frazzled father

Your family situation has become very complicated over time. There is blame from one side to another, bad feeling between brothers (despite one of them being a professional psychologist), and throughout you and your wife as the elders are left feeling frustrated and hurt.

Yet, at age 80, you are doing yourselves no benefit by trying to resolve a complex set of personality differences. At this stage of your lives, you as grandparents, have the right to peace and decent family gatherings. It is neither wise, nor helpful, for you and your wife to feel any responsibility for this situation involving so many different personalities and unexplained grudges. Maintain your personal relationships and let them figure out theirs.

Dear Ellie: My daughter is taking her driving course, both in class and in car. I watch her as she drives away with the instructor. She’s terrible. My wife takes her driving sometimes and returns white as a sheet.

We hear from our friends who already have young drivers that some kids are inherently better than others. But what worries us is that we also hear that everyone passes the test!

My wife and I don’t think she’s ready to be out there on her own. What do we do?

Doubtful Dad

I remember those days of worry and uncertainty as to whether I felt my child was ready for the responsibilities of driving a car.

I know for a fact that not all drivers pass on their first go-around, so don’t believe otherwise. I did some research, asked today’s parents of similar age teens, and discovered there are many ways to monitor your child when they’re behind the wheel. Some cars even have an app where parents can see the speed at which the car is being driven.

But, as with most things in life, practice, practice, practice.

Email: [email protected].