Dear Ellie: At 25, I’d recently started working in a large, open-style business office where everyone could see each other just by looking up. Years later, I still miss many of those colleagues!
But I especially remember the two women around my age who stood out from all the rest. It was partly about their looks and behaviour (attractive and self-confident) but also because I was aware of the several men who seemed totally besotted by them.
These women weren’t just pretty. They were alluring, and in similar ways. Something I didn’t fully understand made them fascinating, I thought.
Both new employees had arrived from other cities, with personal stories of exotic-sounding travel, and dramatic relationships that they’d left behind.
I soon also noticed that more male colleagues were drawn like magnets. One man, who seemed the most determined to get closer, was married, the other divorced. Many of the other women working there, and me included, started guessing who would win whom.
But I privately wondered, what do those two women have that I don’t?
Over the next few years, by 28, I’d had two semi-serious relationships: One in University had lasted two semesters then fizzled out. Then, me and my new “partner” lived together, which we both found oppressive within a year.
I felt that I obviously didn’t have that seductive quality which makes the “other” throw caution aside. I was a nice enough looking woman but constrained by a decent, undramatic upbringing while dreaming of exciting adventures.
But “allure” can change everything.
I learned that fact some three years later while looking for “Mr. Right.” Then, he spotted me across a crowded room (honest). I loved his open manner and positive energy at first sight. He immediately found “allure” in me!
We’re still together, happily raising two children, ages four and six. Incidentally, the married man is still married, the divorced man was a repeat player, so struck out.
Thoughts on Personal Allure?
Call it “a powerful attraction,” and you’ll stop examining others outwardly for its signs. That’s because allure happens within people, if they let themselves thrive openly in the eyes of a beholder.
Or, even better, it strikes both people at the same time, creating greater self-confidence, feelings of longing, and love.
Reader’s Commentary regarding the woman saddened because the man she desired had refused intimacy because of his erectile dysfunction (July 30):
Reader No. 1: “To me, finding a loving partner is what you want. Having a conversation with him about the possibility of a relationship that includes sex in all the wonderful ways it can be explored, is part of a loving relationship.
“Don’t let go of this man if he also doesn’t want to let go of you. His sharing of his ED information with you suggests that he wants a relationship too.
“Creativity, understanding, respect, love and caring will be paramount to you both. There are also surgical interventions that may help if her partner explores them with his doctor.”
Reader No. 2: “He may have ED but I wonder if he’s actually gay and has no romantic feelings for her. Clearly, they’re somewhat older and he may feel unable to tell her the real truth. Also, having ED is (in his mind) likely considered more acceptable than being gay.”
Ellie — He may also be uninterested in her beyond a close friendship. Or he hasn’t found a safe solution for his ED. Hopefully, he’ll seek potential direction about it through a doctor’s help.
FEEDBACK regarding a family’s “obnoxious cash-grab gift box,” open and waiting for guests including their children’s schoolmates (Aug.1):
Reader No. 1: “A simple, elegant solution: Guests should deposit a greeting card naming a deserving recipient of a donation in honour of the birthday celebrant.
“Be it a research foundation collecting funds to cure deadly disease, or a program that feeds/houses the needy, guests send that donation and the organization will note their appreciation.
“This family’s guests might then actually enjoy parties seeking money for their own children. (Or get dropped from the guest list)!”
Reader No.2: “My brother routinely puts money into my kids’ RESPs on their birthdays. He’s investing in their future!
“I also like 50/50 charitable donations which contribute money in honour of the birthday kid. Half goes to a charity of the child’s choice; the other half goes to the kid who decides what they plan to do with it.”
Ellie’s tip of the day
If you’re wondering why some people easily draw attention, start to explore/share your own background stories, experiences, yearnings. And wear them proudly!
Send relationship questions to ellie@thestar.ca.
