When it's the wee hours of the morning and it feels like you've been up all night soothing a restless baby, sometimes you just need to know you're not alone.
Maybe it's when the struggles of switching to solid food rear up, or when the frustrations of potty training reach a boiling point. For some, there are queries about daycares and preschools, whether to choose French immersion or Montessori, how to plan a birthday party, when to go to the hospital or treat at home, when to go back to work.
And, from time to time, that inevitable question: What do I make for dinner?
For nearly eight years Tri-City moms have had a place to ask those questions, get advice, vent their anger, offer tips and make connections: the Tri-Cities Moms Group (TCMG) Facebook page. Now with more than 5,500 members, it is the largest moms' Facebook group in the Lower Mainland.
Heather Hooton, the group's founder, started it not long after moving to Coquitlam from Richmond when her husband started working with the Port Moody fire department. Soon, she was expecting their first child but in a city where they didn't know anyone. And as the first in their circle of friends to be pregnant, Hooton realized she needed to start making some new friends.
"I was lonely," Hooton said. "I needed some new friends but that's a really hard thing to do as an adult."
She started on the meetup.com website after her daughter was born in the summer of 2009 and remembers heading to her first coffee date with other local moms; nervous and in tears on the walk to Caffe Divano in Klahanie, Hooton called her mom. But she also remembers sitting down with those other new mothers, all with their own squirming babies and their own struggles, and felt that sigh of relief to know she wasn't alone.
The dozen moms soon discovered they needed a better way to chat online and switched to Facebook. Friends added friends and the TCMG network quickly grew.
"I remember being super excited when we hit 1,000 members. Then I was stunned when we hit 3,000," Hooton said.
And when it passed 5,000? "I was just amazed."
Along the way, the group became more than just a way to connect online with fellow moms. Christmas parties became a way to fundraise for families in need. For the first one, Hooton panicked after committing to raising enough donations and funds to provide Christmas dinner, presents and stocking stuffers for two families, but the group of 25 made it happen.
For the 2016 party, 250 TCMG members filled a Port Moody restaurant and raised more than $4,000 — enough to sponsor 26 families.
The TCMG sponsor list gives moms a way to enter for a chance to advertise their business to the group; it keeps the ad postings to a minimum while still supporting local and home-based businesses run by moms.
Group members also pull together for moms in emergency situations.
Hooton posts anonymous queries sent to her by members, where moms can ask difficult questions without airing their personal laundry, and the response is swift and widespread.
Recently, one mom asked for help after discovering her partner doing drugs. Group members found her a place to move to, donated furniture and other household items so that, if she needed to, she could walk away.
"When it comes to people saying, 'I'm in an abusive relationship, I need help right now,' or 'I'm at Walmart, I've left and I need help,'" Hooton said members are fiercely supportive of one another, providing supplies, offering rooms in their homes for storage, providing transportation or connecting them to government resources.
One member posted for a friend, Aimee Hildebrandt, a Mission mom who was struggling after discovering her six-month-old daughter, Hanna, was allergic to anything but breast milk. The trouble was that Hildebrandt had previously undergone a double mastectomy due to breast cancer and couldn't afford to pay for donated milk through the BC Women's Provincial Milk Bank.
Within two days of the TCMG post going up, she sent a photo of Hanna surrounded by dozens of bags of frozen donated milk; there was so much that the overflow had to be sent to friends' freezers.
"My heart is so full from all this milk that has been donated to Hanna," Hildebrandt said. "We are truly forever grateful for this. I am extremely fortunate to be part of a mom group on Facebook that has truly become my village."
There are many subgroups, where members can share recipes, organize hikes or golf trips, swap clothing and connect on kid-specific issues.
The Baby Dust support group, for instance, brings together moms going through IVF, pregnancy or infant loss and infertility.
"It's a private group where you're able to cry and yell and scream and not really have to explain ourselves," Hooton said. "One out of every three moms has a loss and the group is incredibly supportive."
Posts are immediately flooded with responses: "I'm here for you. I'm sending love. You are not alone."
But there are moments of humour, too, along with monthly nights out at local pubs, wine and paint nights, even karaoke.
"Our pub nights can get pretty crazy," Hooton said with a laugh. "Those mamas need to unleash. It's not necessarily drinking, it's just talking and all of a sudden the ugly lights come on and we realize, 'Uh oh, we have to go home to kids.'"
And with 5,500 women — mama bears with equally strong opinions, many of whom are running on very little sleep — there can be some drama, too.
But over the years, Hooton and her volunteer group of administrators have developed a set of rules to keep the group dynamic respectful and, at the end of the day, there is a message that Hooton keeps coming back to.
"In the middle of the night, when you feel like you've got to be the only person doing this, it's so isolating. To have somebody say, 'I'm going through the same thing,' is such a relief. You're not the only one suffering from post partum [depression], you're not the only person who hasn't slept well in four years, is on formula feeding or cloth diapers.
"I'm in your shoes. I'm in your corner — and you're not alone."
