When I was a youngster, my parents didn’t sign me up for baseball because they believed it to be — and pardon my use of technical sports lingo — very, very boring.
My mind flashed back to that decision last weekend as I watched my baseball-mad six-year-old play an inning with his summer-league team. I’m using the word “play” here in a very loose sense, as the ratio of standing around to playing baseball was approximately 47,000:1.
By the time the coach had fixed the pitching machine, the catcher had figured out how to put his shin guards on and little Tony had finally found his batting helmet, my son was 18 years old. Well, not quite, but he certainly was able to compile a detailed account of how many airplanes flew over the field during the inning (it was 12).
Even so, my son loved it, and so did I. I’ve learned the fun of baseball is in the rhythm of the game. Enjoying the slow flow is even more important at the introductory level — the rhythm of the game is much different for six-year-olds than big leaguers. To help grow the game and give you an appreciation of the sport played in its purest form, I’ve crafted this explanatory glossary for baseball for six-year-olds:
• Pitcher: This is a grown man who strikes out most batters with a dazzling array of soft, underhand tosses. If one toss accidentally hits a player’s bat, this batter is deemed to be “elite” and the next time up, the pitcher strikes him or her out with soft overhand tosses.
• Pitching machine: This is a mechanical device that repeats its delivery over and over so that it can strike each batter out in a more consistent manner than a grown man. Once properly calibrated, it only needs to be adjusted once or twice every 30 seconds.
• Catcher: This is an approximately 40 lb. child buried under 40 lb. of equipment whose job is to waddle to the backstop to retrieve the ball after every pitch. The catcher then throws the ball back to the “pitcher” (note: “pitcher” in this instance denotes any spot on the field, or neighbouring counties, that is at least 10 feet away from the actual pitcher). The catcher under no circumstances is to catch the ball. The rules are unclear about what exactly would happen if the catcher actually catches the ball, although this debate is purely theoretical given that this has never occurred.
• Backstop: This tall chainlink structure behind home plate is the favourite place for many players because of the special bonding time that occurs with their fathers who are constantly encouraging them to “get the hell down from there!”
• Fielders: These 10 to 12 players are expertly positioned to count airplanes and draw naughty words in the dirt. They are joined by three coaches screaming at them to get in the “ready position” as well the One Player Who Knows What Is Going On (OPWKWIGO). When the ball, by some miracle, ricochets off a hitter’s bat and onto the field of play, OPWKWIGO races after it and joins the coaches in yelling at the first baseman, Jonny, to watch out for the throw that is now coming his way. “Jonny. Jonny! Jonny!!”
• Jonny: This is the player who now has a nosebleed.
• Outs: Outs are made when a fielder catches a ball before it hits the ground or, if the ball bounces, picks it up and throws it to the first baseman, who catches it and touches the base before the runner arrives. In other words: never.
• Base running relay: This end-of-game activity involves the players on each team lining up on opposite sides of the diamond to race laps around the bases. This is the second favourite part of every game for most players because it involves activities that have very little in common with baseball.
• Snack: This is by far the most exciting part of the game for the players, all of whom need to refuel with Freezies and oranges after a gruelling 45 minutes of sitting on the grass.
Those are the basics. Play ball!
Andy Prest is the sports editor of the North Shore News.
[email protected] • @Sports_Andy
