Vancouver families, I think I may have concocted a new combined theory of parenting and housing that will allow us to survive and thrive in this insanely expensive part of the world.
It’s called the Urban Sports Family Commune. I think it will change our lives. I also think it needs a better name.
Anyway, this idea is going to make life so much better and easier for so many hard-working families like yours and mine. All I need is to do is find several like-minded parents who are fun, relaxed and love sports. It would help, too, if a few of them owned huge tracts of land or were willing to give me several million dollars to get this thing started.
Are you in? Let’s go!
The idea came from spending the Canada Day long weekend at a simple, rustic cottage resort on one of the Gulf Islands with a big group of friends. There were several great features at this resort, including screen doors on all cabins, coffee filters in some, and a proprietor who did not call authorities after seeing how many bottles and cans were in the recycling bin when we left.
The best feature of the resort, however, was a big grass courtyard in the middle of the circle of cabins that featured a play structure and plenty of space to run. The second-best feature was that the resort had allowed my friends to rent out nearly all of the cabins, making for a huge safe zone that was permanently populated by at least a few friendly and faithful adults, some of whom were even sober!
What was so life-changing about all this? Since the day my first son was born, and especially since my second son was added to the mix, nearly every day of my life has been geared in some way towards parenting. How am I going to keep these boys healthy? What activities do they like that don’t involve throttling each other? How long will it take for the ambulance to get here?
The answers never seem to come easily. Never, that is, until that great island getaway. I can say without a doubt that this cabin trip was the easiest parenting I’ve ever done.
Here’s the rundown. Things would start at 7 a.m. (which for my boys is “sleeping in”) with a World Cup game on TV, bacon sizzling in the pan, and hot, strong coffee dripping through that coveted coffee filter. The World Cup game would be over in about two hours – one of which was spent watching Neymar roll around on the ground – and my boys would be released to the courtyard to play. It was the perfect spot – there were no bears, dump trucks or Realtors prowling around scaring the children.
My boys are sports crazy, and we brought it all: baseball equipment, soccer balls, Frisbees, footballs. Others brought lawn games that were equally enticing for my boys: bocce, spike ball, Yardzee, and something called kubb, which is nicknamed “Viking chess,” which is stupendous.
We’d release the boys into this wonder world of sports and games and they would play with various and assorted friends for hours on end while we were free to join in, hang back, have a nap, or even talk to other adults about important adult things such as how great our kids are.
Sometimes the play would be so exciting that the boys wouldn’t even stop to watch the second World Cup game of the day, a shocking development for children who covet their limited screen time as much as FIFA covets bribes. Just kidding, FIFA. See you in Qatar!
We’d bring the boys over whenever food was ready and then release them again to crush dingers or throw kubbs or whatever. The sports would keep them entertained all day, and by the end of suppertime they’d be exhausted and fall right into bed with only 40-45 minutes of complaining. It was glorious.
So now that I’m home, I want to know: why can’t life be like that all the time? Cults are trendy right now, and lots of parents would love to have their kids grow up in a group setting that fosters friendship and active living. So here’s what we do: we get a piece of land or take over a West Van mansion and we build a sports complex in the middle. Batting cage, soccer nets, basketball hoops, kubb, bocce – the games could go on forever with minimal supervision.
There’d be no iPad time, unless it was to break down Steph Curry’s jump shot or watch Josh Donaldson hitting tutorials. They’d play ‘til they dropped, and then do it all over the next day.
I get that people in other parts of the country have much the same setup with something called a “backyard.” But here it’s just not possible for many families to have that kind of space due to the crazy cost of housing. Not possible until now. Now we have the sports commune!
And the best part: with all that sportsing and healthy living going on in the commune, it’s 100 per cent guaranteed that most of the children will go on to lucrative professional sports careers. Whatever millions we initially invest will come back in billions in signing bonuses and sneaker contracts.
It’s win win win. If you’re nodding your head right now, come join me. Bring your ball glove! And cash.
Andy Prest is the sports editor for the North Shore News and writes a biweekly humour/lifestyle column. He can be reached via email at [email protected].
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